MONSTERMANIA!

Sorry that my blog was in syndication for so long. I was having techinical difficulties. I'm back, fellow people.
If you weren't at Monstermania in Cherry Hill, then last weekend, then you missed it. How profound was that last sentence?
There were all kinds of horror celebrities, beautiful women in sexy whory costumes, a whole lot of freaks, alcohol, crazy things for sale, and what did I do for the majority of the convention? I realized how much fun it was to drop plastic shower caps out of my hotel window. They puff up like jellyfish and it's so much fun to watch them fly.
There was a Lost Boys reunion and an Elm Street reunion. It looked like the Lost Boys won; as there was always some fan at a Lost Boys table, the Elm Street people were a little awkward to walk by. They sat and stared as they seemed desperate to sell their stuff and greet the fans. Robert Englund did great. Heather Langenkamp had some steady lines. The Elm Street 3 through 5 tables were making acting seem very unappealing.
Jake Busey was there and very friendly and easy to talk to. For those Starship Trooper fans, I did witness him, with ninja-like speed, crush a fly on his Starship Trooper picture. He looked up and exclaimed, "Death to bugs!" Good Lord! I'm such a nerd!
Jeffrey Combs of Reanimator fame was a really nice and humble guy. I didn't recognize him, not crazy.
Lin Shaye, Kingpin & Something About Mary, is also the sweetest woman in the world. It was refreshing to see her look like a normal human being. Not to say I would do anything with her, I'm just saying she looked good.
Jason Mewes was making his second appearance at Monstermania. He had some of the best quotes of Monstermania. After saying he has a problem with his vagina, he said, "My fingers smell like 19 year old vagina. You know when it still smells a little like piss."
The one-hit wonder from the 80s who sung the theme to the Lost Boys(Cry Little Sister)did an acoustic performance in the ballroom to a crowd that might have been bigger than the democratic convention.
It was the saddest scene, really. I couldn't take it. People were going nuts for him. You know what? Good for him, really. At least it was a gig.
Brooke Mcarter, the blonde mulleted vampire from the Lost Boys, was probably the coolest guy there. Really friendly and a nice guy. I have nothing else to say about him.
Now let's get to the Corey's. I didn't get to see or meet Corey Feldman and his wife, but I heard they were great and very down to earth.
Now Corey Haim, that's a whole other blog. I'll just say, that it's ashame. He used to come off as this loveable young kid from the 80s.
Oh! How could I forget John Kassir? He's the voice of the Crypt Keeper and apparently an old stand-up comedian who even worked Rascals back in the day.
I was one of the few who were witness to a glimpse at a private stand-up show in one of the suite parties Saturday night. While everyone held up their camera phones to smile and record this throw back to early Robin Williams impressions with no jokes attached, I couldn't help but think how much comedy has changed over the years.
Oh well, See you at the next one.

The answer to the recession is balloons.

As some of you know, I work in a real estate office in a model home at a residential community. Every weekend, I have to pick up six mylar balloons with American flags on them to tie up on three different signs throughout the community.
First of all, if any of you had driven with six inflated balloons in your car, you know that it's incredibly frustrating because they are always trying to sneak into the front seat and obstruct your vision. I usually get very angry and release my balloon rage on them, physically. To their credit, they can withstand it.
However, I realized that I am doing a service to my country by tying these balloons to real estate signs.
A friend of mine last night asked me if anyone was buying these houses. I said yes. My friend, Eric, pointed out that it must be the balloons. Perhaps the market is so down right now because we are not using enough balloons.
I can only assume that when people are driving by real estate signs, they maybe glance over, but then get back to their Jonas Brothers song. You know as well as I do, that if that same person, sees an American flag balloon on a sign, no matter what the sign is, they are going to come to a screeching halt and need to support whoever that sign belongs to. Because whoever owns that sign loves America and balloons.
Wife: Why did you stop?
Husband: Did you see the balloons on that sign?!
Wife: What?! Shit let's go!
Balloons mean party. Isn't that what everyone likes? Parties? Balloons are like positive people. On a rainy day, they are saggy and frowning. On a beautiful day, those balloons stand tall and proud representing America and the economy. After all, the money for the balloons goes to the Dollar Surplus store. The Asian Dollar Surplus employees in turn will spend it on other things. You see how balloons create that circle of money and life?
Some people worry that balloons and their strings are dangerous for birds. Really? Aren't there enough birds in the world?
Remember people. As the great Eric Kennedy says, "Maybe there won't be so many foreclosures if there were more balloons on signs."
I hope you learned something from this blog. Or more than likely, you're thinking that similar line from Billy Madison, "We're all a little dumber for having read this."

Farewell to the king who died on his throne!

Today marks the 31 year anniversary of Elvis Presley's death. Comedian Mike Eagan once said of Elvis, "He never heard the plop." Well, that's because he died on the toilet. What does this teach us? He's human after all.
Isn't it ironic to have someone who was and still worshipped by so many die in the most humbling of positions?
Either way, when you die it all comes out anyway. He could have been one of the few who was able to empty everything out in the toilet at the time of death. Makes it a bit easier, doesn't it.
I'm an Elvis fan. My favorite Elvis is the 70s Elvis. That's when it got over-the-top. Plus, I related better. He started gaining weight. Even though he only ever wrote one or two songs, the man could sing and knew how to put on a show. I appreciate over-the-top.
Well, here are some videos to pay tribute to the king.

My favorite Karaoke song! It's fun to work up a sweat to this.


Eddie Murphy - Delirious


The Wonder of You


This one is Elvis really screwing up the words. It's a great tribute and just six weeks before his death.

How many times has this happened to you?

This is surreal and can give you nightmares.

This used to terrify me

I can't figure it out, but I had nightmares for years when I was little because of this Sesame Street clip.

The Great Pluto Debate is intense

I heard on NPR today that people are still debating on whether Pluto should be a planet or not. People are taking time out of their lives to debate this. You might read this and say, "It's important!" Or you might not. All I know is somewhere there is a family at home where the kids are saying, "Where's daddy?"
The mother gets fed up, wishing he was having an affair instead of debating the planet controversy in Baltimore. When he comes home he says, "Pluto is a planet again!"
She tells him, "That's nice. Did you bring milk?" No he didn't.
His poor wife will try to make love to him that night. "What's wrong, honey? Is it me?"
"No." He'll tell her. "I just can't stop thinking about Pluto. It's just so innocent and small."
"You love Pluto, don't you."
"Yes, honey. Yes I do."
"You son of a bitch! Why don't you go live there?!"
"Honey, you don't understand!"
"No! I do! I found pictures! I went online. I found HUNDREDS of pictures of Pluto! You photoshopped lingerie on the planet! You took pictures of me and put Pluto's face where my face should be, you asshole!"
The husband will pack his bag and shoot himself into space. When he's floating randomly through the universe, he will have his arms and legs out stretched just hoping that his now lifeless body runs into Pluto so he can be part of it forever.
This will ruin a marriage.
I understand Pluto is like me in a lot of ways. He doesn't quite do the job he's supposed to, but he's incredibly charming and knew the right people so they let him stay, even though there are others out there just like Pluto and maybe a little more qualified.
I wonder if people are at this debate in Baltimore getting really angry. The majority of people are now saying, "You know what? Pluto has been in our little 9 planet grouping for so long. He's got several moons. What the hell? There's been songs. Let's keep it.... you know.. for kids." Then people are ripping their hair out and getting red-faced yelling, "Goddammit! It's too fucking small!"
Gustav Holst composed a piece of music called the Planets and left Pluto out. He knew about Pluto. This was after Pluto became a planet, but before this "debate".
He probably grew up in a time of 8 planets. When the new, smaller planet was passed, he stuck to his stubborness and said, "You will never be a planet in my eyes. These damn kids today want to make every big rock with a moon a planet. Well, I will not include it this brilliant piece of music I'm composing. That'll show 'em. Fuck you junior scientists."
Granted, I'm still looking for a better job, but when they said on the radio this morning that Pluto might be a planet again, I thought, "oh."

Good thing for horror movies!

Horror fans are really prepared for the unexpected. Yes. We might be nerds, but if there is a zombie attack, who are you going to run to? The nerds. We know how to handle ourselves. There are plenty of books out there now as well, thankfully. I was thinking about this, since I'm currently making the same rate of pay as a ghostbuster.
Vampires, we know how to handle that. If there were such things as vampires, it might be an alternative, if the job search runs out. Why not?
Some people join the military. Others get tired of the every day grind at the office and move to a small town in Maine or California to open up a small shop. If vampires existed, people might say, "You know what? I need a life change. I've been thinking about getting bitten. Not all the way, just one or two bites so I can be half vampire and see if I like it." You can't! It's got to be all or nothing!
The vampire lifestyle is something that would have to be regulated and closely monitored so the innocents don't get hurt. Anything that can be killed by bright light is not really a threat. Gremlins are kind of like the same thing. I've never heard of a gremlin getting cancer. We should look into that.
Werewolves are just out of control. How many times have you heard that? Of course, they would be a fetish. There would be werewolf porn. They have poo and dog porn, so there would naturally be women or men who love werewolves. Would sex with a werewolf be bestiality? Maybe. Bottom line is that it's sick. Don't do it. It's also very dangerous. I am personally glad that there are no werewolves. I don't own a gun. Therefore, I have no silver bullets. THEREFORE, I am defenseless. Fuck! Werewolves are loose cannons, however, and can easily get themselves into trouble.
You might be asking what's the difference between Frankenstein and Zombies. They're both living dead. True. Frankenstein has a working brain. He is not eating flesh and has a little more of a brain. Frankenstein is just retarded. He's kind of like Lenny from Of Mice and Men. Zombies don't really have a conscience. Can you imagine walking up to somebody and just biting them? Someone you don't know? It takes a lot of balls to do that. Zombies will do anything and get themselves into any situation without a lot of thought. They are like the Jackass crew of the monster world.
Mummies apparently come equipped with curses. That's weird. The best you can do is not believe in it and hope for the best.
If you encounter a witch, remind them what happened in Salem. Remind them only if they are giving you a hard time. They can be pretty sensitive. Or you can give them a Depeche Mode or Smiths cd and they'll be happy.
A man that haunts you in your dreams is not cool. A restraining order won't work against him. You can't not fall asleep. So you're just really going to have to use your best imagination to outwit him, pull him out of your dreams, and call the police. It's best to let them handle it.
If a female is possessed by the devil, first of all, easy lay. They are all about sinning. However, if you show any sign of weakness, they can devour your thingy. Show a little satan loving and you should be ok. Afterwards, say thank you, heil hitler, and just leave.
Blobs? Easy. If you have a fire extinguisher and a freezer, you're set.
Let's say your house is haunted by poltergeists. Just leave. Why would you stay? If they follow you? You have no choice, but to just befriend them and occasionally expect the unexpected. You might turn around while fixing lunch and all the chairs would be on the table. Stay calm and say, "I'm late for work. I promise I'll play with you when I get home." They feed off your fear. They can sense it. If you're not afraid they won't do anything but annoy you, like dogs. If objects are moving around your room and a fast motion, just say, "Whatever. Seriously (insert name of one haunting) someone could get hurt. It's getting old. Stop." Be as calm as possible. It will leave you alone.
I hope you learned something from all this.