Pigglyastic!

A couple days ago, one of my clients at my day job, collapsed and had a seizure. I immediately jumped out of the van and called 911. It was well handled and he was alright. There is a lot more description I could give here, but that's not what I want to talk about.
What is really exciting to me is that my friend, Traci, came up with a new word, inadvertently. The word, Pigglyastic. This word means someone who behaves in a pain in the ass sort of way.
My friends, Traci and Brian, or Brian and Traci, whatever your preference, were kind enough to take me to pick up my car from the shop. That is really payment for them going to Hawaii, even though I couldn't go. (For more info about that Hawaii trip, check out, http://www.traciskene.com/.)
She referred to someone behaving like a pain in the ass. I thought she said "Pigglyastic". I asked her what that meant. She thought I had just dropped acid in her back seat. Ladies and Gentleman, the creation of a new word! You heard it here. Pigglyastic: Pain in the ass behavior
ex; Spending my entire paychecks on past debts is pigglyastic!
You have seen it here. It's not copyrighted, but it's my word. Please spread it around.

Brian and Traci at Christmas time. The Pigglyastic Couple!

Brandywine Authors Night or The Land of the Giants!

Last night I took a trip to West Chester, PA with my friends, Nick Diulio and Dena Blizzard. They were invited to read as special guests at a local authors event at a massive bookstore up there. (The name eludes me. I know... that sounds like a personal problem. Ew! You're totally eluding me. It's all sticky.)
It was a pleasant enough ride there. A gorgeous day. Good conversation.
When we arrived, Tony Conaway, the manager of the Marlton Comedy Cabaret was there to greet us. A very pleasant sort of fellow. He treated us to a suprisingly good dinner. Who would have thought a bookstore could produce such good salmon! That is they cooked it. There wasn't a salmon farm in the back. We were lucky. Jay Black, not only a national headlining comedian, but last year was the #1 college comedian in the country, also showed up to read. However, he showed up after dinner. So no matter how funny you are, if you show up late, you miss out on your dinner from Tony. BUSTED JAY!
Tony arranges and hosts this big event. It was starting. After dinner, me, Dena, Nick, and Jay figured we should head into the big reading room there. That was when I looked around and realized, THEY WERE GIANTS!! I'm 5'6. Not an unusually short guy, but compared to these beasts, I was a mere leprechaun. Even Tony towers of this little halfling. It was just not fair.
I didn't bring something to read. Well, I was invited, but not asked to bring something. I'm assuming it was because of my height. It was very difficult to be involved in any sort of conversation going on because I had to jump to be heard.
When Dena and I first walked to the author's section, an older woman was reading a very serious story. I heard her mention something like Moses and Sarah cleaning a sunroom and made a joke to Dena about how it was a new version of the Ten Commandments. I don't remember the bit where Moses did spring cleaning in the sun room. The woman looked up as I whispered to Dena. I felt rude.
The next thing I realized is that they were real people's names and she was telling the story of coping with her son's death and bonding with another woman who lost a child. Now I realize, I'm an asshole. Dena wouldn't let me walk away and decided that it would be funny to try and make me laugh during this time. Short guys get the brunt of a lot of jokes. Either that or Dena is also an asshole.
Then the baby boomer took the stage. He told a 15 minute story about how Pink Floyd is awesome. For him, I was quiet and gave him my complete respect. At least it wasn't about a dead child.
It was Jay's turn. He rocked it. I think it was the first time these people have laughed like that in 18 years and 3 months. Jay proved that he is, without a doubt, a funny funny man. But he's also an asshole. I can't give him to much of an ego. Well, no bigger than it already is.
Dena felt insignificant after Jay read. Feeling she needed to one up him, she found the nearest computer to find other essays she'd written. The one she had was fine, but she IS a woman and we all know they don't think rationally.
Nick got up next. He read a good story about how his family reacted to Barak Obama being elected president. It was entertaining, but really, who cares. Nick, on the other hand, is not an asshole. He is a genuinely nice guy and a very good writer. He just needs to write things someone wants to read. I only tease the beautiful people.
Dena went last. I heard her being introduced so I had to run and find her. A woman running late? She, of course, blamed me for almost missing it, even though, I did go and get her as soon as I heard. Dena also did great.
All three people I was with are incredibly talented and tall. Well, counting Tony that's four.
Do these two factors go hand in hand? I don't know. Nor do I care. Fuck them. Next time, I'm going to be reading something. Let's see how I fare up against the giant beasts of South Jersey!

Diseases of Chinchillas

Traci Skene wanted me to briefly discuss Chinchillas with diseases.
Chinchillas are cute and cuddly animals from the Andes mountains. Many people even have them as pets. They do need special attention because these creatures are prone to many diseases and allergic reactions.
I discovered this problem, all to painfully. As I laid in bed one night with my pet chinchilla, Gladys Knight. I didn't name her that. That's what the note said in the basket when she was left on my doorstep in the middle of the night.
Gladys and I did everything together. She slept next to me every night and cuddled right under my chin. I would call her my neck comforter. So fluffy.
One night she started kicking me in the throat. It was really annoying. I looked up the symptons on webmd. I found out my chinchilla had restless leg syndrome.
Well, that's all I needed. So I killed her. It was very humane. I fed her to an owl. Just kept the food chain moving. I can't have her kicking me all night.

Forcing myself to write!!!!

Help! Help! Help! I want to get back into the habit of writing again! Hey... if anyone out there is reading this, throw me a topic. I'll write about it.

Three cheers for Jason Pollock!

I know it's been a long time since I've posted a blog on this site. There has been a writer's strike in my mind. I think I'm the only one reading this anyway.
I am sitting here at my day job and thinking to myself, you never hear anyone say "Hip Hip Hooray!" anymore. I looked it up in the all knowing Wikipedia and this is what they had to say. ""Hip Hip Hooray" is the traditional response to "Three cheers for..." in many cultures, with the initiator calling "Hip Hip" and others responding "Hooray". To this day, it is in common usage at children's birthday parties in many parts of the English-speaking world."
They said, "To this day..."
Though, we are all very familiar with this chant, I've never actually been at a kid's party or any party where people yell hip hip hooray.
Mostly it's "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Ok. I hope this got you thinking.

New Comedy Club to open up at the Overlook Hotel!

I finally found a hotel willing to house a new comedy club! The Overlook Hotel is allowing me to lease one of their empty rooms.
For those of you familiar with it, we are opening right next to the Lloyd's Gold Room bar and restaurant!
They're looking to boost business again. A lot of people stopped coming in after the lobby would flood with waves of blood from the elevators. Whiners. Whatever. They don't complain at Gwar concerts.
We think this might be what the hotel needs. They tried sending up women in bear costumes to orally please their male clientel, but it just wasn't enough.
Comedy is the way to go.
So release that little boy who lives in your mouth and come on down to Grady's Girls Comedy House! We want you to laugh with us forever and ever and ever and ever and ever!

Was this really that good a song?

This is Gerard McMann singing Cry Little Sister live at Monstermania. Watch for special appearances by Brooke Mcarter and Corey Haim.

MONSTERMANIA!

Sorry that my blog was in syndication for so long. I was having techinical difficulties. I'm back, fellow people.
If you weren't at Monstermania in Cherry Hill, then last weekend, then you missed it. How profound was that last sentence?
There were all kinds of horror celebrities, beautiful women in sexy whory costumes, a whole lot of freaks, alcohol, crazy things for sale, and what did I do for the majority of the convention? I realized how much fun it was to drop plastic shower caps out of my hotel window. They puff up like jellyfish and it's so much fun to watch them fly.
There was a Lost Boys reunion and an Elm Street reunion. It looked like the Lost Boys won; as there was always some fan at a Lost Boys table, the Elm Street people were a little awkward to walk by. They sat and stared as they seemed desperate to sell their stuff and greet the fans. Robert Englund did great. Heather Langenkamp had some steady lines. The Elm Street 3 through 5 tables were making acting seem very unappealing.
Jake Busey was there and very friendly and easy to talk to. For those Starship Trooper fans, I did witness him, with ninja-like speed, crush a fly on his Starship Trooper picture. He looked up and exclaimed, "Death to bugs!" Good Lord! I'm such a nerd!
Jeffrey Combs of Reanimator fame was a really nice and humble guy. I didn't recognize him, not crazy.
Lin Shaye, Kingpin & Something About Mary, is also the sweetest woman in the world. It was refreshing to see her look like a normal human being. Not to say I would do anything with her, I'm just saying she looked good.
Jason Mewes was making his second appearance at Monstermania. He had some of the best quotes of Monstermania. After saying he has a problem with his vagina, he said, "My fingers smell like 19 year old vagina. You know when it still smells a little like piss."
The one-hit wonder from the 80s who sung the theme to the Lost Boys(Cry Little Sister)did an acoustic performance in the ballroom to a crowd that might have been bigger than the democratic convention.
It was the saddest scene, really. I couldn't take it. People were going nuts for him. You know what? Good for him, really. At least it was a gig.
Brooke Mcarter, the blonde mulleted vampire from the Lost Boys, was probably the coolest guy there. Really friendly and a nice guy. I have nothing else to say about him.
Now let's get to the Corey's. I didn't get to see or meet Corey Feldman and his wife, but I heard they were great and very down to earth.
Now Corey Haim, that's a whole other blog. I'll just say, that it's ashame. He used to come off as this loveable young kid from the 80s.
Oh! How could I forget John Kassir? He's the voice of the Crypt Keeper and apparently an old stand-up comedian who even worked Rascals back in the day.
I was one of the few who were witness to a glimpse at a private stand-up show in one of the suite parties Saturday night. While everyone held up their camera phones to smile and record this throw back to early Robin Williams impressions with no jokes attached, I couldn't help but think how much comedy has changed over the years.
Oh well, See you at the next one.

The answer to the recession is balloons.

As some of you know, I work in a real estate office in a model home at a residential community. Every weekend, I have to pick up six mylar balloons with American flags on them to tie up on three different signs throughout the community.
First of all, if any of you had driven with six inflated balloons in your car, you know that it's incredibly frustrating because they are always trying to sneak into the front seat and obstruct your vision. I usually get very angry and release my balloon rage on them, physically. To their credit, they can withstand it.
However, I realized that I am doing a service to my country by tying these balloons to real estate signs.
A friend of mine last night asked me if anyone was buying these houses. I said yes. My friend, Eric, pointed out that it must be the balloons. Perhaps the market is so down right now because we are not using enough balloons.
I can only assume that when people are driving by real estate signs, they maybe glance over, but then get back to their Jonas Brothers song. You know as well as I do, that if that same person, sees an American flag balloon on a sign, no matter what the sign is, they are going to come to a screeching halt and need to support whoever that sign belongs to. Because whoever owns that sign loves America and balloons.
Wife: Why did you stop?
Husband: Did you see the balloons on that sign?!
Wife: What?! Shit let's go!
Balloons mean party. Isn't that what everyone likes? Parties? Balloons are like positive people. On a rainy day, they are saggy and frowning. On a beautiful day, those balloons stand tall and proud representing America and the economy. After all, the money for the balloons goes to the Dollar Surplus store. The Asian Dollar Surplus employees in turn will spend it on other things. You see how balloons create that circle of money and life?
Some people worry that balloons and their strings are dangerous for birds. Really? Aren't there enough birds in the world?
Remember people. As the great Eric Kennedy says, "Maybe there won't be so many foreclosures if there were more balloons on signs."
I hope you learned something from this blog. Or more than likely, you're thinking that similar line from Billy Madison, "We're all a little dumber for having read this."

Farewell to the king who died on his throne!

Today marks the 31 year anniversary of Elvis Presley's death. Comedian Mike Eagan once said of Elvis, "He never heard the plop." Well, that's because he died on the toilet. What does this teach us? He's human after all.
Isn't it ironic to have someone who was and still worshipped by so many die in the most humbling of positions?
Either way, when you die it all comes out anyway. He could have been one of the few who was able to empty everything out in the toilet at the time of death. Makes it a bit easier, doesn't it.
I'm an Elvis fan. My favorite Elvis is the 70s Elvis. That's when it got over-the-top. Plus, I related better. He started gaining weight. Even though he only ever wrote one or two songs, the man could sing and knew how to put on a show. I appreciate over-the-top.
Well, here are some videos to pay tribute to the king.

My favorite Karaoke song! It's fun to work up a sweat to this.


Eddie Murphy - Delirious


The Wonder of You


This one is Elvis really screwing up the words. It's a great tribute and just six weeks before his death.

How many times has this happened to you?

This is surreal and can give you nightmares.

This used to terrify me

I can't figure it out, but I had nightmares for years when I was little because of this Sesame Street clip.

The Great Pluto Debate is intense

I heard on NPR today that people are still debating on whether Pluto should be a planet or not. People are taking time out of their lives to debate this. You might read this and say, "It's important!" Or you might not. All I know is somewhere there is a family at home where the kids are saying, "Where's daddy?"
The mother gets fed up, wishing he was having an affair instead of debating the planet controversy in Baltimore. When he comes home he says, "Pluto is a planet again!"
She tells him, "That's nice. Did you bring milk?" No he didn't.
His poor wife will try to make love to him that night. "What's wrong, honey? Is it me?"
"No." He'll tell her. "I just can't stop thinking about Pluto. It's just so innocent and small."
"You love Pluto, don't you."
"Yes, honey. Yes I do."
"You son of a bitch! Why don't you go live there?!"
"Honey, you don't understand!"
"No! I do! I found pictures! I went online. I found HUNDREDS of pictures of Pluto! You photoshopped lingerie on the planet! You took pictures of me and put Pluto's face where my face should be, you asshole!"
The husband will pack his bag and shoot himself into space. When he's floating randomly through the universe, he will have his arms and legs out stretched just hoping that his now lifeless body runs into Pluto so he can be part of it forever.
This will ruin a marriage.
I understand Pluto is like me in a lot of ways. He doesn't quite do the job he's supposed to, but he's incredibly charming and knew the right people so they let him stay, even though there are others out there just like Pluto and maybe a little more qualified.
I wonder if people are at this debate in Baltimore getting really angry. The majority of people are now saying, "You know what? Pluto has been in our little 9 planet grouping for so long. He's got several moons. What the hell? There's been songs. Let's keep it.... you know.. for kids." Then people are ripping their hair out and getting red-faced yelling, "Goddammit! It's too fucking small!"
Gustav Holst composed a piece of music called the Planets and left Pluto out. He knew about Pluto. This was after Pluto became a planet, but before this "debate".
He probably grew up in a time of 8 planets. When the new, smaller planet was passed, he stuck to his stubborness and said, "You will never be a planet in my eyes. These damn kids today want to make every big rock with a moon a planet. Well, I will not include it this brilliant piece of music I'm composing. That'll show 'em. Fuck you junior scientists."
Granted, I'm still looking for a better job, but when they said on the radio this morning that Pluto might be a planet again, I thought, "oh."

Good thing for horror movies!

Horror fans are really prepared for the unexpected. Yes. We might be nerds, but if there is a zombie attack, who are you going to run to? The nerds. We know how to handle ourselves. There are plenty of books out there now as well, thankfully. I was thinking about this, since I'm currently making the same rate of pay as a ghostbuster.
Vampires, we know how to handle that. If there were such things as vampires, it might be an alternative, if the job search runs out. Why not?
Some people join the military. Others get tired of the every day grind at the office and move to a small town in Maine or California to open up a small shop. If vampires existed, people might say, "You know what? I need a life change. I've been thinking about getting bitten. Not all the way, just one or two bites so I can be half vampire and see if I like it." You can't! It's got to be all or nothing!
The vampire lifestyle is something that would have to be regulated and closely monitored so the innocents don't get hurt. Anything that can be killed by bright light is not really a threat. Gremlins are kind of like the same thing. I've never heard of a gremlin getting cancer. We should look into that.
Werewolves are just out of control. How many times have you heard that? Of course, they would be a fetish. There would be werewolf porn. They have poo and dog porn, so there would naturally be women or men who love werewolves. Would sex with a werewolf be bestiality? Maybe. Bottom line is that it's sick. Don't do it. It's also very dangerous. I am personally glad that there are no werewolves. I don't own a gun. Therefore, I have no silver bullets. THEREFORE, I am defenseless. Fuck! Werewolves are loose cannons, however, and can easily get themselves into trouble.
You might be asking what's the difference between Frankenstein and Zombies. They're both living dead. True. Frankenstein has a working brain. He is not eating flesh and has a little more of a brain. Frankenstein is just retarded. He's kind of like Lenny from Of Mice and Men. Zombies don't really have a conscience. Can you imagine walking up to somebody and just biting them? Someone you don't know? It takes a lot of balls to do that. Zombies will do anything and get themselves into any situation without a lot of thought. They are like the Jackass crew of the monster world.
Mummies apparently come equipped with curses. That's weird. The best you can do is not believe in it and hope for the best.
If you encounter a witch, remind them what happened in Salem. Remind them only if they are giving you a hard time. They can be pretty sensitive. Or you can give them a Depeche Mode or Smiths cd and they'll be happy.
A man that haunts you in your dreams is not cool. A restraining order won't work against him. You can't not fall asleep. So you're just really going to have to use your best imagination to outwit him, pull him out of your dreams, and call the police. It's best to let them handle it.
If a female is possessed by the devil, first of all, easy lay. They are all about sinning. However, if you show any sign of weakness, they can devour your thingy. Show a little satan loving and you should be ok. Afterwards, say thank you, heil hitler, and just leave.
Blobs? Easy. If you have a fire extinguisher and a freezer, you're set.
Let's say your house is haunted by poltergeists. Just leave. Why would you stay? If they follow you? You have no choice, but to just befriend them and occasionally expect the unexpected. You might turn around while fixing lunch and all the chairs would be on the table. Stay calm and say, "I'm late for work. I promise I'll play with you when I get home." They feed off your fear. They can sense it. If you're not afraid they won't do anything but annoy you, like dogs. If objects are moving around your room and a fast motion, just say, "Whatever. Seriously (insert name of one haunting) someone could get hurt. It's getting old. Stop." Be as calm as possible. It will leave you alone.
I hope you learned something from all this.

"...you didn't move the bodies!"

So I've been temping in a new residential community in Pemberton, NJ. The office I'm in is in a gorgeous model home. Seeing as how we're in the pinelands, there was a very good chance that they could have built this neighborhood on an old Indian burial ground. As far as I know, they didn't. Either that or they did move the bodies.
It takes a lot of the fun and excitement out. Two days out of the week when I'm here I'm all alone in the house. You would think, in a big house like this, it could get scary. Nope! Nobody died here. There are a lot of butterflies and birds outside. That can be creepy if you're afraid of birds and butterflies, but really it's not scary.
I sometimes go down into the basement here and don't turn the lights on. Or I'll go upstairs and listen for strange sounds. Everything's peaceful and not undead. Sometimes black people come in. In fact, most of the time. Still, they're not scary. They're just people. A large older Russian man came in once with big buggy eyes. He was a creepy individual. He started talking and I realized, he was just not that smart. Dammit! I'm looking for some excitement here!
I want a reason to use the line, "This job is not worth $11.75 an hour!"
According to Winston Zedemore, that's how much an average ghostbuster makes.
When you're sitting in your office, bored out of your mind, you start to wish something out of the ordinary would happen.
I've thought about this before. What if a large gelatinous wall appeared in your office? No rhyme or reason, but it was just there. Would I still have to work or would everyone be too focused on the big jelly wall? It didn't do anything. It just blocked a part of a hallway. I would like to hear my boss say, "Look! We don't know how or why the jelly wall is here. That doesn't excuse you from getting your work done. I'll let you know as soon as we have an update on the wall. Scientists are working on it. I understand it's blocking the supply cabinet. In the meantime, we'll have to make do with what we have. See me for post-its."
If a jelly wall appeared while I was alone in the office, I would more than likely leave. I'd call someone first actually. Well, if it's any consolation, there is no such thing as a wall like that. So you can rest easy.

Now that you have my work history.....

I want to tell you that I have not had a lot of experience with professional job interviews. Things used to just fall into my lap.
I remember my interview at Zagara's. I had friends who worked there. This is how the interview went from the older, heavy set woman interviewing me. We'll call her Mimi, because she did look like Mimi from Drew Carey's show.
Mimi: Well, hi there!
Me: Hello.
Mimi: So I hear you're friends with Brendan and Pete?
Me: Yes I am.
Mimi: Well, they're such nice boys. You must be a nice boy too, then. Welcome to the team!
Damn! I'm likeable.

The mortgage company was an easy in because I got it through a temp agency. The interview process there was a computer test. EASY!
Interviewing with Kris from the comedy club was easy because I was the first one to inquire when the old guy gave his notice. It helped that we both enjoy theatre acting.
The guy interviewing me at Wegman's asked a weird question that I couldn't answer right away. He said, "What's the hardest thing you ever had to learn?"
The only thing that came to my mind was, "anything math-related."
Really, that could have been a very personal question. What if it was learning to deal with a rape? I could've started crying right in front of the man. Would I have still got the job?
He asked if I learned anything recently about foods. I, instinctively, said pineapple. I learned that pineapple makes certain things taste better that come out of your body and into a female's or whatever your preference is mouth. I couldn't very well tell them that on a job interview. Filtering myself is going to be an issue on a normal job now. I told him I have been on a health kick and was looking up online the benefits of certain fruits. I left it at that. Have you heard that, Damian, or is it a wive's tale?

Full circle

January 1st, 1989 I started working at Zagara's Gourmet & Specialty food store in Marlton, NJ. I worked there for 8 years. Though, while working there, I had dreams of getting on stage and working in the entertainment industry one day, I never thought it would actually happen. It sort of did.
However, after I left my home of 8 years, I worked for a mortgage company for 6 years. I thought, this is better than the food service world. I didn't have to wear a uniform. I was clean when I left. I made more money. I had weekends and holidays off.
During that time at the mortgage company, I decided to take a comedy class at the American Comedy Institute because at the end of the class you do a set at Carolines. Having never been on stage and knowing nobody, I figured it's a good way to force myself. I did. It went well. I got up more frequently.
Eventually, in 2003, the mortgage company was having layoffs, but to avoid them they offered pretty sweet resignation packages. I took it to take a chance and pursue comedy. Eventually, I became the general manager of Rascals Comedy Club in Cherry Hill. They closed in June of 2006. After having established a decent reputation, I tried to do my own thing, thus losing more money and screwing myself.
Now, in August of 2008, I just took a job at Wegman's in the dairy case. I've come full circle and I'm back in the food industry.
The good thing about working in the dairy case, is that I'm safe from the blob. As we all know, the blob cannot survive in the cold.
I guess my point in all this is never forget where you came from. If you're ever in the Mt. Laurel, NJ area and in need of milk or yogurt and a laugh. Stop in.

Last night.

Stand up is a great way to get into the movies. Well, we did our show at the Washington Theatre. It, literally, was a movie theatre. You could hear the Pineapple Express playing in the next theatre during the show.
The place is a very cool, old theatre. It used to be a vaudeville house back in the day.
The owner told me he's looking for people to showcase their independent films and is looking to do a independent horror film festival this October.
I asked the audience what the most popular job is in this little town. I assumed the tooth fairy was the occupation of choice. They said lumberjack.
One 19 year old audience member told me that she has traveled as far as Union, NJ once. It's definitely not the cultural mecca of NJ, but a pretty little town, nonetheless.
The owner, Marco, was a very nice guy, but a little out there. I asked him if there are a lot of black bears around there. He was confused. Marco looked at me as if I know more than I should about something.
He said, "Not to long ago, I actually saw a huge one in my backyard. Why are you asking about this?" I thought I walked into an X-Files episode.
He asked, "Where are you from?"
"South Jersey. Right outside of Philadelphia."
"Oh! So you're used to city life. I get it now."
The people there were very cool and friendly. Just don't ask about the bears.

Tonight's show

If you're in the Washington, NJ area, come see a mediocre stand-up comedy show.
I got asked to host a show tonight at the Washington Theatre in Washington, NJ. I didn't know there was such a town, but I'm learning something new about NJ every day.
I went to the website to look at the venue, it's www.thewashingtontheatre.com.

John Poveromo, a decent comic on the rise, contacted me about hosting this event. Why not? He said the guy who runs the theatre wanted comedy so they're trying something new. It's me, John, and Vinnie Nariello.. aka DJ Garlic (That's another story).
None of us are by any means headliners. Still, I thought, we're all decent comics and it's in an area not used to having stand-up comedy. Hopefully, this will be fun.
Well, after looking at the website, I learned, well at least I hope, there are three theaters in this one venue.
We are just one. Our show starts at 10. In the other two theatres, the Pineapple Express is at 9:30 and The 3 hour Dark Knight starts at 7.
It's my first gig in a multiplex. If we can drag people away from Seth Rogen and the number movie at the box office of all time, to come see the three average Joe guys of Jersey, who have a combined total of maybe 60 minutes of material, our audience will be glad they came.
For anyone who wants to say fuck you to Hollywood and visit the live star power of theater 1, then please come out.

I've got Issues, don't mind me. I'm just venting.

Did you ever feel like running away and starting over in a place where nobody knows you? I can't say how often I have been thinking about that.
There's a huge part of me that keeps saying I'm going to leave the comedy world forever. I'm sick of it. Comedy has caused me too much of a headache. As soon as that thought is in my head, I get offered another comedic opportunity and jump on it. When will it be enough?
When am I going to have proved whatever I want to prove to myself and be able to walk away and settle down with a 9-5 job, buy a house, and have a family?
I don't know if I can.
I'm envious of my sister's life in a way. She married a great guy, had two awesome kids, bought a house, has a dog and a pool, and is content with life. If I really wanted that, I could do it. But instead I have to deal with the artist's mentality. I know this sounds like I'm feeling sorry for myself blah blah blah. This is just my means of venting. Without health insurance, I can't afford therapy, so this will have to suffice.
I was talking to my friend, Mark Riccadonna, who, if you haven't seen him perform, you need to, briefly about why we do this comedy thing.
It's an addiction. It's a drug. When you feel that rush of a good performance, whether it's comedy, acting, playing music, whatever, it's too big a rush for most people to never want to experience again.
Working at a desk job, during the day, I drink a lot of coffee. It's not because I'm tired or really like the flavor. It's because I need some kind of stimulant. I need to come close to feeling that rush.
Now, I don't do drugs. Nor am I a heavy drinker. I'm too much of a hypochondriac for that. Plus, I don't really like the out-of-control feeling.
Coffee is completely legal. No matter how much I drink I can't get arrested. That would be weird.
I remember being in an acting class years ago and all the students were talking about why we wanted to get into acting. The majority said, "Because they want to be better than their parents." I guess when it's ingrained in your head, that you have to go to school, get straight As, go to college, get an honest job, and settle down, sometimes people feel the need to rebel. They need to say, "No. It doesn't always need to be like that."
I just feel that you only live once. You need to do what you enjoy. I think if I don't keep trying and driving myself crazy, I'll be ultimately miserable. There is an exception to the rule. Let's say, someone from some mysterious place appeared to me and said, "You're never going to be successful in the field you want, BUT you've put up with a lot. Here's what we're going to do. I'm setting you up with a gorgeous estate in Maine for the summers and Miami for the winter months. You'll have a room specifically for all-female orgies, and we'll give you an endless supply of cash." Seriously, that's fine.