So I've been temping in a new residential community in Pemberton, NJ. The office I'm in is in a gorgeous model home. Seeing as how we're in the pinelands, there was a very good chance that they could have built this neighborhood on an old Indian burial ground. As far as I know, they didn't. Either that or they did move the bodies.
It takes a lot of the fun and excitement out. Two days out of the week when I'm here I'm all alone in the house. You would think, in a big house like this, it could get scary. Nope! Nobody died here. There are a lot of butterflies and birds outside. That can be creepy if you're afraid of birds and butterflies, but really it's not scary.
I sometimes go down into the basement here and don't turn the lights on. Or I'll go upstairs and listen for strange sounds. Everything's peaceful and not undead. Sometimes black people come in. In fact, most of the time. Still, they're not scary. They're just people. A large older Russian man came in once with big buggy eyes. He was a creepy individual. He started talking and I realized, he was just not that smart. Dammit! I'm looking for some excitement here!
I want a reason to use the line, "This job is not worth $11.75 an hour!"
According to Winston Zedemore, that's how much an average ghostbuster makes.
When you're sitting in your office, bored out of your mind, you start to wish something out of the ordinary would happen.
I've thought about this before. What if a large gelatinous wall appeared in your office? No rhyme or reason, but it was just there. Would I still have to work or would everyone be too focused on the big jelly wall? It didn't do anything. It just blocked a part of a hallway. I would like to hear my boss say, "Look! We don't know how or why the jelly wall is here. That doesn't excuse you from getting your work done. I'll let you know as soon as we have an update on the wall. Scientists are working on it. I understand it's blocking the supply cabinet. In the meantime, we'll have to make do with what we have. See me for post-its."
If a jelly wall appeared while I was alone in the office, I would more than likely leave. I'd call someone first actually. Well, if it's any consolation, there is no such thing as a wall like that. So you can rest easy.
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2 comments:
Jay, your psychiatrist is gonna love these blogs. I jive, i jest. Maybe for Halloween this year we should all combine any costume with a zombie. You could be a rabbi-zombie. I'll go as an Isaac Hayes-zombie, Eric can be a Frank Zappa-zombie.
-Bob K.
I've been procrastinating for so long about it, but I think I finally decided to change your eulogy. Instead of the "Jay never spoke of suicide, so imagine our shock....blah, blah" crap, I'm going to attest that your demise was due to the blob actually invading your brain from afar, causing acute enciphilitis, making you an innocent party in causing your own demise. Its the least I can do to ease the burden you'll leave your friends and family with.
Maybe me and Katie will write a screenplay about your life. It will be filled with sardonic wit, with big car crashes and simple opulence for the "tweeners", a comic love story forced in between you and a Starbucks barista for the chick-flick set, topped with a moral and righteous ending for the baby boomers. I'll direct and play myself, Michael Cera could be you, Adriana or maybe Katie could play the barista. We'll need some stunt casting to get backing, of course. I was thinking of Joey Buttofuoco for the part of Danny Aiello? We could approach the real Danny Aiello but I think the role needs a REAL actor for that role, don't you?
You will be like so many artists who achieve fame and admiration only after they die. Maybe you could fake your death and then at the world premiere you could just show up, soaking wet and wearing vines, garbling something about the Chappaquiddick River, that would really boost our first weekend gross.
Oh, and I've decide that The Blob will be played by my abdomen.
smooches,
D.
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